WTF am I doing? 

Six months into my stay in India and the WTF phase has well and truly kicked in. Now my visa has just six months left. Which means my psyche is starting to see a threshold, a date it keeps getting caught on. The perceived limit on my time in India throws my monkey mind into anxieties about what I want to fit in to that time, how far I have come, what I have achieved, what I have not achieved, and whether I have the option to extend my visa and stay longer. The monkey mind is delighting in feeding me stories that I have not achieved anything of any significance at all. I’ve failed at sightseeing, I’ve failed at healing my chronic fatigue. I’ve ended up in an apartment in the middle of a city when all I long for is nature.

But in the midst of all this, when I am listening to my higher self I can see I’ve experienced India in a truly unique way; my limited energy has forced me to stay put in locations for extended periods of time; because of this I’ve developed relationships with locals who I would have never got to know so well had I flitted though, on route to the next location. I’ve experienced how a household works in a small town in Kerala, also how a home is run in a village in the Himalayan mountains. I’ve learned about cultural norms, schooling choices, health care; traditions around births, deaths and marriages; I’ve experienced how class, race and gender play their roles in society; I’ve learned about the workings of different professions and businesses and witnessed the inauguration of a new village Shaman.

My monkey mind tells me I’ve failed at the inner journey too, I’ve not done any yoga or meditation, not participated in any retreats, I’ve not reduced my alcohol intake or managed to keep my healthy eating. My higher self reflecting on my inner journey reminds me that I’ve actually been medication and depression free since February, this in it’s own right is a huge achievement. I reflect, I journal, I read and I pray and these are in their own right spiritual practices of which I am proud.

Energy-wise I’ve stretched at my limits in countless new situations and places, on the road and in new relationships. I see this like being on the inside of a stiff and dry balloon gently stretching at the rubber, making it more pliable so it can stretch easily without breaking. My balloon has on many occasions cracked during this practice. But each experience I believe is warming the rubber of my balloon so it is slowly becoming more pliable.

My monkey mind tells me I’m confused and in a mess with no goals and no future plan. My higher self reminds me I’m practicing what I’ve long believed in and always dreamed of; daily to trust and let go, accept where I am geographically, emotionally and energetically. I recall when I first arrived in India in January and the concept of not knowing what I would be doing or where I’d be in a few weeks time was so alien. Now it is a part of my life. I’ve followed my heart and the opportunities that have presented themselves and I’ve ended up here. Despite longing for the nature I’m in a big city. It’s oddly the same city I flew into on my very first visit to India in 2015. A circle closes. I am curios to know the purpose of my journey bringing me back to this city.

I’m just embarking on sharing a home with another person for the first time in three years. The situation is bringing up familiar old behaviours that I haven’t experienced while I was master of my own space. So my healing work now is taking new paths and I get to meet those parts of me that need to learn how to co-inhabit; allowing another space in my life without controlling them while at the same time getting my needs met and holding my boundaries. Here too I’m pushing at the walls of my balloon, softening in another dimension of my life.

I believe that the steps thus far have all been perfect, this was the path my journey was supposed to take so I would develop in the way I need to develop (see my article on Karma). The further I follow this path the more trust and faith I need. It sometimes feels like going into a dark forest, at some stage I have come so far that turning back is as tough and treacherous as going on. My monkey mind taunts me to give up, but my angels are willing me to turn my face to theirs and keep going.

I set my intention to allow each day to unfold, one at a time and to trust that the future will reveal itself when the time is right.


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