23 years on and that date is seared in my mind as strongly as it has ever been. The worst day of my life.
A day that irrevocably changed the lives of so many people like ripples forming in a pond. No – more like waves crashing around a huge boulder rammed into the once calm lake. A day who’s events scarred and damaged many souls, the waves still crashing in the lives of those affected to this day.
But 18th June is just a day. What makes this day so emotionally charged still, 24 years on? Is it just the mind made connections holding the memory alive, unwilling to let go, relishing, in its own crazy way, the pain it has become so familiar with? Is it the pain body, refusing to let go of its hold, desperate to perpetuate the pain for it’s own survival?
For many years I’ve noticed this day coming in the calendar and have tried to ignore it, look past the letters and numbers that spell ‘18th June’ and pretend my eyes didn’t get stuck on that date. After all, why should they? The calendar itself is only a man made creation. All these painful feelings coming up at this time of year are merely my mind playing havoc with me; a number and a month combined with a shed load of mental connections. I imagine even without a calendar my body would recognise the environmental cues: early summer, white butterflies, and my subconscious would trigger those memory and pain patterns anyway.
But how would it be if I was away from a calendar and the environmental cues?
I recall reading somewhere once that it is common that people experience a dip, a small depression at the time of year when a tragedy has occurred. This theory believed that the body stores the information and the wound is triggered at that time each year. I have not researched this but knowing a little about the luminous body, the body’s electromagnetic fiend or aura, it seems that injuries can be ‘hard wired’ into our energetic system. There is also a growing body of research into how traumas cause real changes in our brain wiring and neuro-chemical balance. The wonderful thing is all of this can heal, the trick is to find a way how.*
Over the years gone by I have no doubt been troubled by this date, but none more than last year, the year I clearly recognise as the dark night of my soul. I plunged into the deepest depression I’ve ever experienced, coupled with an anxiety that was out of this world. Reliving the trauma and loss I was catapulted back to feeling like I was 11 years old again loosing my parents, uncertain for weeks if mum would live or die.
This year I am choosing to acknowledge 18th June, not to ignore it and pretend I’m fine. I choose to honour this day and respect that it does stir up emotions. This year is the first time I’ve actually felt comfortable to speak with Mum on this day, previous years I’ve just wanted the day to go away, I couldn’t face Mum, scared to see her pain, or admit and show my own.
Perhaps the emotional pain on this day is actually telling me I still have very painful wounds that are as yet unhealed. The fact I am honouring this day this year and am able to seek the support of loved ones seems to me a wonderful step forward.
There is a time for letting go. Letting go we must do, but over and over I come to the conclusion that if we try to let go before we have acknowledged, felt and healed the wound then what we are actually doing is putting up a wall of denial and falsely labelling this as letting go.
‘Let it hurt’
‘Let it bleed’
‘Let it heal’
‘Let it go’ ~ Nikita Gill
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* This information is remembered from articles I’ve read over many years, it is not within the scope of this article to provide more in-depth information or quote sources.