Over the past month I’ve been finding a sense of balance. I’ve been taken in by an Indian family in Kerala; really been welcomed to their home and allowed to consider it my home too. I’ve had the chance just to take care of myself, not having to even worry about day to day planning, cooking or cleaning. I’m being looked after, that statement in it’s own right brings tears to my eyes; being totally looked after, unconditionally, it is truly healing. It’s allowing me the time and space to see and be me. It feels like I have been able to take a step back and am now more able to observe myself and my energy without getting constantly caught up in my own drama.
Until now I have felt a sense of panic when my debilitating tiredness has set in. Here in this space I am still getting tired, but I’m not feeling scared of it. Until now I’ve been able to accept my tiredness only in the safety of being alone, while with others I’ve felt ashamed of my tiredness and my limits. Here I have been shown love, I’ve experienced total accept of my tiredness and seeing that it is teaching me that it’s possible to love and accept myself too.
“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.” ~ Wes Angelozzi
My overwhelming experience over the past four weeks has been one of stability, balance and peace, but critically analysing those same weeks I can observe that, in fact, my energy has plunged and had to be recovered weekly.
I started the month in a state of extreme tiredness and depression, after four to five days of nearly complete retreat and rest in my room, good food provided and lots of space I was feeling relaxed and at peace. Since then I have been in a place of extreme tiredness two more times over the month until today where my body is telling me clearly to retreat and rest again with the onset of my burn-out-cold-like symptoms.
On this occasion as I feel the tiredness in my muscles, the fuzziness in my head, the ache behind my eyes and the tenderness of the glands in my neck I smile, welcoming the peace and quiet it will bring me today. I’m off limits. I get to do nothing but read, write, sleep, have quiet and be uninterrupted. Today this makes me tingle inside. I have been aware over the past week that I have given too much of my time and energy to others. I have attempted to set boundaries. Actually I’ve been goddamn fantastic at setting boundaries (everything is relative), but in order to take care of myself I need and have the right to set firmer boundaries.
I’m grateful to my body for making me feel sick today. My body is looking out for me again. I’m so sorry to my body for not looking out for you, I promise to do better in the future so you don’t have to get sick in order to get me to take good enough care of you.
“If you listen to your body when it whispers you’ll never have to hear it scream.”
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