Life is like a lasagne

So far in India I’ve been overwhelmed with the way things have worked out. The number of people who have been looking out for me, the amount of care, love and understanding I have received. Everything has worked out just perfectly. But I’m starting to notice a pattern; my fears layering this beautiful journey like a lasagne.

I have already written about my time on the beautiful Goan beach where life spoiled me with new and old friends, special connections and wonderful company. Coming towards the end of my stay fear arose. Fear of the unknown, moving away from a safe place to take the next step. My faith that the universe would continue to provide for me faltered.

FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR 

Already on the flight away from the beach paradise toward the bustling city of Chennai I was provided with new friends; two English gentlemen sitting beside me with whom I shared India travel tips and bonded for that short time over Enfield motorbikes, art and music.

Once out of the airport I was greeted by my old and dear friend, a friend who is like a brother to me. He bought me water and ordered us a taxi. I was warmly welcomed by his family for dinner. Being taken care of is still quite a new experience for me; always having been the one who organises, fixes and sees to it others are ok. I am starting to become more used to putting my needs first, and am finding that as I recognise and can express my needs the people around me are also seeing and taking my needs seriously. I am being seen not only for what I can give but also for what I myself need.

My indian brother showed me his city, where he grew up, proudly walking me around the Christian school he attended for 14 years. He took me to a Hindu wedding; a cacophony of colours, music, bustling indians, beautiful flowers and saris. All the while my needs for rest and a steady supply of no spicy food and snacks were of the utmost importance. I was overwhelmed by the subtle but profound care I felt from my friend and his friends and family.

FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR 

Then guess what? It was time to move on and time to add another layer to my lasagne. I was on my way to Vaidyagrama, an Ayurvedic healing village (link). I have been there twice before to take Ayurvedic treatment; I feel at home there, I know the staff, the set up; I am also meeting with two very good friends there. As I arrive at Vaidyagrama I feel warmth and calm envelop me, my body and soul recognises where it is; a place of deep spiritual healing and love.

I have come here primarily to meet my old friends. It is also a great, supportive place to spend time at in India. I have come under the guise of a volunteer, but was secretly hoping I wouldn’t need to do too much. Having been burned out and off work for 16 months I find fear arising in me with regards to having any kind of external demands placed on me. I’m scared to hand over my time to an others will.

FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR 

Talking with the volunteer coordinator she appears to have a clear understanding of how important it is for me to start easy. A few hours in the kitchen preparing vegetables in the mornings. Somewhere calm, cool and shady. My terrified little face looks at her and confirms that I will just be expected to work in the mornings and she replies with a warm smile that we will start like that because if I start with too much at once I will end up back where I started, burned out. My heart swelled hearing her understanding and care of me. It feels like my heart is bursting at the seams, overwhelmed by the love I am receiving from so many people.

FEAR IS A LIAR FEAR IS A LIAR FEAR IS A LIAR FEAR IS A LIAR FEAR IS A LIAR 

Fear is such a strong force. Compassionately I give myself the permission to feel this fear. It is quite natural, but it is a force that prevents so many of us doing what we dream of. Seeing and understanding this fear gives me a clearer picture of the forces at work in my life. I can see the beauty, the love, the wonder, it’s all out there waiting for me, unfolding brick by brick as I take my steps. The fear element serves to confuse, cause doubts and resistance to taking the next step.

“Feel the fear and do it anyway”  ~ Susan Jeffers

 

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