I’ve finally chosen to walk away from my childhood. I’ve walked away from my long entangled bonds with my mother, in the knowledge that I have done as much as I can. I’ve walked away from the complicated history with my absent father, in the realisation that he can never be a father to me. I made the decision to finally choose me, taking my place in the world as a child of mother earth. Emotionally I made my intention to be the most important person in my life; physically flew half way around the globe to mother India. Choosing to start what I no longer can describe as a new chapter in my life but a whole new book; the sequel.
As I left behind all that was familiar to me to embark on this epic adventure in the big wide world I expected to be confronted once again by my demons, especially those that enjoy afflicting me with crushing loneliness; instead the world has sent me beautiful, caring people from all corners of the globe. Just a very short time ago I wasn’t even aware of the existence of these people, now they are my family for this space in time; happily strengthening my belief that the universe is indeed abundant now that I have taken the leap of faith into its arms providing what I need, when I need it.
“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it” ~ Roald Dahl
The Goan beaches are working their magic, spoiling me with gifts not only of people but of experience; showing me how to allow the day to turn by itself and teaching me how to let myself follow its rhythm. This learning experience taking place not by effort but by osmosis, it’s just happening. The muscles in my body have softened, the mind following suit. The morning dissolves into afternoon, the sun gently migrates over the sky to finally dip, fiery and orange, into the sea; the tide then washing in the night with its moon and stars to dance to the beat of the beach. No desire to shift from my beachside chair in the breeze, utterly dumfounded by the contentment of just doing nothing, just being, observing and becoming one with this daily show. Until now I have never been able to allow the days the luxury of such freedom to turn by themselves, and even more poignantly, never allowed myself the luxury of such freedom either.
I’m excited by this new experience of being. The cliché ‘going with the flow’ finally taking on a real meaning. However I am not yet so comfortable that I can completely trust this new dissolution of myself into the day, but it is just what I dreamed for, what I’ve been reading about, what I’ve been preparing for, what I believe in, now experiencing it for real.
Now and then my consciousness plucks me out of this symbiosis with the universe to remind me of my upcoming flight in nine days, occasionally trying to torment me with worries for the future. I’m aware I’m still processing wounds of old in my nightly dreams and in the tears that fall softly as I still mourn the pain of parts of my own life lost, parts of my own soul that have died. Tears gently roll down my cheeks as I’m shown care and compassion by new friends who see me, the real me, including the beauty of my wounded heart.
I make my intention afresh: to follow my path and the guidance of a greater power. Letting go of how I think the outcome should be, what I think I want. When my control need kicks in and I start to push the river of my life in a direction I think is best, life becomes much harder work, going against the current. This is the sign I now recognise as ‘not following’ the guidance meant for me. When I sit back and allow, centre myself, then the path I am meant to walk does present itself. But the tricky bit about that path is one can never see further than one step ahead at a time. But the pleasures of that path are innumerable, the ease, the contentment, the abundance. This is what I believe.
The warm night sky draws to a close hailing a new dawn ready to blossom in light, growth and endless possibilities.
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